My Anxiety

10 Years ago is when I started to really suffer from anxiety.  Although at the time I didn’t even know that what I was feeling was anxiety.  I always thought an anxiety attack was just the feeling of freaking out and not being able to breath very well.  I had a 1 or 2 like that earlier in my life.  Other then those two times, the only time I ever had anxiety is when i was nervous or excited about something, such as having a performance.  The only symptom I had back then was the butterfly feeling in my stomach.  Oh how I wish that was my only issue today.

Here is an old blog post of mine, before learning I was having anxiety:

Feeling…Not Even Sure What

Not sure if anyone is listening and at this point I don’t think I care if they don’t. I also feel a need to get it out, so I’m hoping that by blogging about it that it will be somewhat therapeutic.

I am feeling so very lost, confused, and even scared and I don’t even know what to do.

My heart will start to beat harder, I get a nasty feeling in my gut, I start to breath quickly and all these scary thoughts pop into my head. Such as “what if’s”. I have so many other feelings and symptoms but won’t get into it.

Feeling this way has made me very irritable and snappy. It makes me want to break into tears. Go run and never stop (but that will never happen), makes me want to go on a long drive to help get all these thoughts and fears out and help me calm down. Makes me want to just cuddle up with my girl and cry it all out. Or even drink it away, although I know that isn’t the answer but only a temporary solution.

I have a few ideas to why I may be feeling this way but I’m not sure. Could be stress over work, my lack of sleep, or a few other things in my life. All I do know for sure is that I just want these feelings I am experiencing to go away as I hate every moment of them.

It wasn’t till almost a year later that I realized that it was Anxiety.  It was somewhat of a relief to finally know what I was experiencing.  The anxiety I had back then wasn’t as consistent as it is today. Today I feel a bit of it a few times a week if not daily.   Some days its just a few minutes here and there, others it’s an all day thing.  Some day’s I even wake up with it, most of the time I know why I am having it, while others it’s just out of the blue.  It seems that the time’s I know the reason for it are the times that it’s easier to control.

Once again, I am thankful for an understanding wife that knows about anxiety and helps me when ever possible.